Whether one is the guest or the guest of a wedding, the question of the gift to the grooms is often thorny. A list or no list? A personal or collective gift? How much? Tips and testimonials.
“By the way, have you filed a list somewhere or else?” Ines remembers, amused, the awkward phone call of her friend the day before her wedding. At the same time, she had failed to notify her guests in writing. Indeed, in matters of wedding gifts, neither the bridegrooms nor the guests are immune to a faux pas.
The evolutions of the wedding list
Especially since the traditions have been constantly changing for 40 years. “First there was the bride’s trousseau , which is supposed to endow the young woman with the essentials to found a home,” explains Marina Marcous, co-author of the Grand Livre du Mariage (eds Eyrolles).
Then the gifts have become an opportunity to please the couple while remaining useful , offering for example dishes, small furniture or decorative objects. This is the purpose of the wedding lists in department stores ( Printemps or Galeries Lafayette), still current. However, “couples are marrying more and more late – 30 years for women, 32 years for men according to INSEE – and are often already well established. The content of the lists has diversified to offer gifts less Conventional, closer to the wishes of the bride and groom: cultural subscriptions, wellness box, wine, paintings … “, develops Virginie Mention, wedding planner . The listings centered on the honeymoon are also popular, as at Voyageurs du Monde . Not to mention the traditional urns where to slip envelopes the evening of the festival.
Thanks to digital technology, these solutions have become dematerialized. On-line services like Zankyou , Mille Mercis Mariage , Ameliste offer guests to make a financial donation and / or choose a gift from a wish list. For some, a classic common pot and the deal is played in a few clicks. These sites often charge a small percentage of the sums paid. A text written by the grooms allows us to know what the money will be used for.
Uncompromising Report to Gifts
The expected wedding gift has often become the one you can not afford with your own budget . It is sometimes difficult to afford the marriage in itself ! In 2015, the participatory marriage list developed to address this financial issue. “The guests offer the couple the marriage they dream of,” argues Emmanuelle Sanchez, founder of Wedzem . Caroline opted for this formula and ensures that her guests have understood and accepted the concept by helping her to pay for the services of a wedding planner , a photographer and even a caterer.
“Yesterday, the bride and groom were forced to choose gifts on lists knowing full well that they would not take them but would use the money as they pleased.” Today they dare to ask for what they need. ‘Inversely, others dare to ask what they do not need, with charitable wedding lists, and the gifts of the guests go completely or in part to an NGO,’ develops Marina Marcout. This is the case, for example, with the Lily Liste website , which has an agreement with Aides and BabyLoan , a solidarity micro-credit platform. A fashion that will not please the followers of the personal gift.
Flowers, knives and personal gifts
Melanie remembers, laughing at one of her friends and her “drawing house on a large A1 sheet”, as a wedding present. For Marie-Claude François Laugier, a psychologist specializing in family money relations, it is important not to cut off the momentum of those who want to pay special attention to the bride and groom. “All this efficiency in the way of asking exactly what one wants, a little like a letter to Santa, should not hinder the very principle of the spontaneous gift that is to say” I thought of you, You “,” I would like to convey to you an emotion “.
“Despite the classic wedding list and the jackpot for the honeymoon , I received personal gifts, vases, decorative items, but at the moment they seemed useless but today they found A place in our house and I appreciate them for the story they tell “, confides Christine, married for ten years.
On the other hand, there is no question of offering cooking knives – they symbolize the rupture of the affective bond – or even flowers or plants. “The bride and groom do not know what to do with them, they are cumbersome,” warns the wedding planner.
“We can not come to a marriage with empty hands”
Worse than the deco object kitsch, the total absence of gift or participation in a list. “You can not come to an empty-handed marriage ,” said Marie-Claude François-Laugier, ” for me it is a real propensity to be a nunnery, or a rancor, a dispute with the bride and groom.
For their part, the bride and groom must also make an honorable fine by making sure to offer in their list gifts for a small budget (less than 40 euros) or to “cut out” their gifts in slices (for example for the honeymoon: Diving, breakfast in room …). As for the financial donations, each will do according to his means. “The bride and groom know the amount paid by their friends. It’s up to them not to be too watchful,” says the psychologist.
For Marina Marcout, there is still a minimum amount to respect: “One must reason according to the standing of the marriage and ask how much one has ‘cost’ as a guest.” If you dine in a castle with champagne at will, the 15 euros will go badly. The amount also depends on the degree of closeness between the bride and groom the guest. “When I saw that my sister-in-law was content to put less than 20 euros on our list, I could not help but perceive it as a sign of lack of interest in us, Elsewhere, we can hardly see each other anymore, “says Emilie, who has been married for six years. If necessary, it is up to the guests to offer time. The author suggests for example a ”
The art of thanksgiving
“Today the bride and groom open a blog or a Facebook page . It’s a good solution to communicate on her wedding list or her wishes for gifts,” observes Marina Marcout. The witnesses and the parents are no longer the necessary relays to express their wishes smoothly. The wedding planner even proposes to some bride and groom to approach the subject on their announcement of a small sentence. “At least everyone is aware in advance, even the older ones, who are not always connected.”
Moreover, to open an online list does not prevent to make a real kitty that can collect the envelopes the evening of the reception. “In this case, we can personalize it with the theme of the party and accompany it with an explicit message” specifies Virginie Mention who cites as an example a “kitty house on stilts” seen in an “exotic wedding”.
Remains to open the mails, the envelopes or the packages. “My advice to married thank to progressively but also to provide say a word during the party. And again, some time later, through a picture or a map mailing” explains the Wedding planner. A handwritten message will be more appreciated than a printed, more impersonal text. As for the gifts to be unpacked, it is better to dedicate a place in the room and harness it the next day, out of sight.